but now I know...

a cousin of mine is going thru a phase. smoking. skipping school. talking back. bla. bla. bla.

he's 13.

I think that maybe all kids have a "phase" they go thru. And it might differ from one another.

And I think boys have diff phase than us girls.

I remember...there was a time that I felt that I was not loved by my parents. (which is ridiculus! mana parents yang tak sayang anak kan..!?!?! but i did felt that way at THAT time)

Mom was always "abg ame that, abg ame this.."

True, I was always daddy's little girl. But even so, I still got spanked, grounded, scolded and once a slap on the face (which was totally not my fault!! atif yang koyakkan my art project which i had to submit the NEXT day!!but because I punched him so hard for tearing my project, ayah came to my room and slapped me!!-but he did pujuk me after that..ngeh ngeh..)

So, daddy's girl or not..saya tidak dimanjakan lebih2!! salah tetap salah!

I always felt like everything I did was wrong or not good enough for them.

And there was this one time, mom brought atif to go watch disney on ice and left me behind (which was my fault anyways coz mom did come to my sekolah agama to pick me up but we had a class party that day and I didnt want to miss that, plus I didnt know mom was going to watch disney on ice! my bad for wanted to stay at the party and didnt bother to ask! hehe)

eventho I knew it was my fault at that time, I still felt that mom purposely didnt tell me that she was going to watch Disney on Ice with atif, so that she didnt have to bring me along, because she loved me less..(yes i know, stupid! but again, I did felt that way) - so being the drama queen in the house..I threw a tantrum (which was my trademark then).. I stomped up the stairs..making a lot of noise..went into my room and slammed the door so hard that i think my neighbour could even hear it go "dooommm!!!"...pushed my almari to the door..(just incase ayah tried to open it - which never happened actually! lagi kene marah ada!) and waited in the room for someone to come pujuk me...sambil konon2 menangis kuat2 (i dont think i really did cry - It was more an act to get sympathy i guess ) but nobody did! I mean nobody did really come pujuk..ayah came and ketuk the door..I was like.. "mak tak ajak saya pun!!"

pastu ayah.."kan mak dah pergi nak amek awak..awak yang tanak ikut..."

and i "mak tak ckp pun nak pergi Disney on Ice"

ayah "jangan mengada2 lah...sape suruh tanak ikut..salah awak"

and that was it..he left..not trying to open the door (penat jer tolak almari!! hahaha!)

and I waited..manelaa tau ade lagi org nak datang pujuk..but nope..hehehe..

so, at that time..lagi laa rase tak disayangi kan...I packed up my bag with a pair of PJs, a pair of baju jalan and decided to run away!! (funny kan?? just because of not going to disney on ice!but I was serious at that time!)

I planned to go to Tok Aji's house (walking!!), we lived in Selayang and rumah Tok was at Sri Gombak at that time, not too far but not too near also.. I thought it would only take me like an hour to walk to Tok Aji's place..

So, my bag was ready, I had a place to go, I waited for everybody else to sleep that night.. (I hid my bag in my toy box, just incase ayah would try to come in my room and was afraid he saw my bag and figured out my plan..-which again he didnt! tough love huh? ngeh ngeh )

But I fell asleep after that..tired I guess after all that tantrum and fake crying!(haha!).. and it was already the next morning when I woke up..I cant remember what happened next..but I did not run away for sure! but I always kept the "hidden" bag ready..just incase I felt like running away again, which did happen a few time after that, just that I didnt really had the guts to really run away..I loved the idea of it tho..running away..make them worry...tgk samada they love me and come looking for me..but it did crossed my mind sometimes..manetau diorang tak sayang and tak cari ke? let me leave, happy I was not in the family? I would cry then if I thought about that possibility..leaving me scared to run away..scared that they would really not care...(kecik2 dah psycho..apedaaa...!!)

I dont know why I really felt I was not loved then..like really..I thought my parents hated me or something...but I know know it was only me..Only I felt that way...the truth is my parents love us equally.. It took me some time to figure that out..but I know now my parents love me..as much as they love their other children..ayah and mak was always fair...even I felt not at that time..but I know now.. ;)

So I guess maybe, my cousin is going thru the same phase I did once..just in a different way...

I just hope it passes quickly..I hate seeing the ones I love get hurt and be sad..

And I truly hope my auntie understands that everything that is happening is not her fault..its just something that a kid (or phycho kids like me) will go thru...(taking into account what he's been thru lagi..and he's just a child)

but I did turn out to be ok kan..?? (well i think i did! ngeh ngeh~~) Dont worry too much..take care of your health.. (I know I am not a parent yet, and I might not understand the pain, but I did feel it when I heard your voice- huaa!!rase nak nangis nih!!)

have faith in God ~~ everything happens for a reason kan..

InsyaAllah...everything will be OK soon... ~~

Dear Mom and Dad,

I am truly sorry for all the tantrums I put you guys thru all these years...You guys had taught me well and I know every single thing you guys did for me, or had me go thru, is done out of love and for my well being.. Thank you for loving me and making me who I am today. I love you guys to bits!!! (alamak emo plak pepagi nih...sob sob...)

hugs and kisses,
Your truly beloved drama queen daughter. ;)



“Dan janganlah kamu merasa lemah,dan jangan pula kamu bersedih hati,sebab kamu paling tinggi derajatnya,jika kamu orang yang beriman.” - Surah Ali Imran:139


xoxo